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Friday, November 13, 2015

Back to the back.. trying to move forward

I know a lot of us at some point or the other like to just go back to re-live our childhood.. go back to the good old days and such.. usually such pangs of impossible dreams are affectionately termed as "Mid-life crisis".
To me this feeling of wanting to be stuck in the past has been going on for sometime now and more so since Dad's passing. It started few months ago when I suddenly realized that my memories of time spent with mom were fading away except for few instances that seem to be etched deeply. Now, I feel scared that I may forget my treasured memories and so want to hold on to them however painful they are (yes, the last days/weeks/months with Dad were painful, watching him wither away in front of me). In this whole process, I feel I am stuck and feel like I myself am resisting the moving forward/getting on with life part. Am I really working against nature or trying to not move on with time? I don't know.. actually, I am not even sure if I am capable of such big things since they say "Time is the best healer"...am I even capable of resisting time to do its job.
Although the pain of losing a parent is not new to me, this time.. the feeling is very different. I feel like I lost a part of me.. I feel like I lost the only other person who truly understood some of my quirks, uncertainties, weaknesses and empathized with me unconditionally.  I feel this huge burden on my shoulders to conduct my life without a parental figure in my life and worry if I am actually capable of it or not...after all mom and dad were/are such wonderful role models and what if I don't/can't pass on some of those precious life lessons down to my children...anyway you get the point.. I feel orphaned and feel like a branch chopped off from the tree and planted somewhere else to grow on my own.
As we went on our first vacation (more like 'getting away from home' trip) since Dad's passing, I experienced some very strange feelings that I am grappling to comprehend. I was wondering constantly if Dad knew that we went to Indonesia, which was one of his favorite work places in the last few years. I was feeling guilty (is that the right word even for the feeling) for going about seeing this part of the world that mom and dad didn't.. how can I just move on and not let them be part of this experience. So, inadvertently, I was constantly drifting away remembering times with them and imagining what it would be to have them with us at this time.. well, as you can imagine, constantly remembering them was very painful and sometimes so painful that I just couldn't live in the moment and enjoy the little getaway. This in turn made me feel guilty that I was not being fair to myself or the family around me. Well... so many conflicting emotions running through my heart and mind.....that I was at times a complete mess..and at other times blanked out.
But, that was not all... I started appreciating simple moments, candid conversations from the heart, small pleasures lot more because I realized whenever I was remembering mom and dad, it was those small moments that brought a certain warmth in my heart and a smile on my face.
I just hope I will truly be able to juggle both - cherishing the memories while living/enjoying the present to build more memories to look back at in the future.

11 comments:

gangaji maguluri said...

Mickey, you have wonderfully expressed your feelings. Parental loss is a void that can never be filled, because they are the only ones who give us unconditional love. I was once watching this TV show "Murphy Brown". In one of the episodes, the son asks the mother if she believes in life after death. I can never forget her answer, which is the children are the continuation of the parents and that is what is considered life after death. Believe in that concept and try to put your life back on tracks, because your kids are your continuation. I know it' s easier said than done, but what choices do we have? I feel your sadness, because I also wanted to take nayanamma to sacred places like Banaras, which never materialized. Try to remember mom's and dad's humor and keep smiling. That's what they want to see. They won't be happy if you are sad.

vasantha said...

Thanks Ammaji Atta. Your words give us the strength we need

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