It's been 3 years, 4 months and 3 days since mom passed away. For one reason or the other, we left all her belongings pretty much untouched all this while. I am not sure why we were holding onto her stuff while, we knew first hand that we couldn't hold onto her when the 'time' came. Somehow now, we finally gathered the strength and will to de-clutter dad's house and that naturally meant 'settle' mom's stuff.
The last few days have been extremely emotional for us and today, somehow I felt like I was losing mom all over again.
For me, all these years I didn't have the nerve to touch mom's stuff because I wanted to perhaps preserve a piece of her by seeing and feeling the things she left behind, the stuff she last touched, last settled... Looking at her sarees and touching and feeling her warm shawls helped us remember her in those sarees and feel her warm presence and touch.
Although, we took them out many many times in the last 3 years, we promptly put them back in their place because that is where mom kept them and we just didn't want to change that. I think somewhere in our heart of hearts we wished, by keeping her things as is, unchanged, our lives would remain unchanged too.
Mom was very meticulous even in collecting her memorabilia, she had a keepsake kept safely for every little or big event in her life. So, looking through her things we almost always relived our times with her. Does that mean we started getting attached to her stuff like we were attached to her?...I do not know..
I do not know the ways of the heart and why we feel certain way about certain things, but settling mom's stuff now, even after 3 years, has been very difficult and even discarding otherwise trivial stuff, like her rubber bands, old clips, etc., felt almost like we were losing her all over again.
I started missing her even more now and started suddenly feeling a bit possessive over her things. Is it fear that I may forget those memories that these things rake in me? May be?
Since, I have been away during the last 14 years of mom's life and spent time only in bits and pieces during those short trips to India, I feel most of my strongest memories of her are from the time before that and so I tend to look for things like things I brought for her or the stuff she gifted us in the last few years to remind me of the times I spent with her recently. I think that's perhaps the reason why I fear losing those memories when the 'stuff' that rakes so many of them is taken away. Do I really need this "stuff" to remind me of my mother? I hope not. I know my mother, my dearest mommy is locked up in a special place in my system and she will, forever be a part of me and part of everything I do and do not do.
Love you so much mommy and miss you even more, we 'settled' your stuff, but that doesn't mean we are settled without you...we are still just learning to live without you and what really gets us going is this belief that you are watching over us from wherever you are.
The last few days have been extremely emotional for us and today, somehow I felt like I was losing mom all over again.
For me, all these years I didn't have the nerve to touch mom's stuff because I wanted to perhaps preserve a piece of her by seeing and feeling the things she left behind, the stuff she last touched, last settled... Looking at her sarees and touching and feeling her warm shawls helped us remember her in those sarees and feel her warm presence and touch.
Although, we took them out many many times in the last 3 years, we promptly put them back in their place because that is where mom kept them and we just didn't want to change that. I think somewhere in our heart of hearts we wished, by keeping her things as is, unchanged, our lives would remain unchanged too.
Mom was very meticulous even in collecting her memorabilia, she had a keepsake kept safely for every little or big event in her life. So, looking through her things we almost always relived our times with her. Does that mean we started getting attached to her stuff like we were attached to her?...I do not know..
I do not know the ways of the heart and why we feel certain way about certain things, but settling mom's stuff now, even after 3 years, has been very difficult and even discarding otherwise trivial stuff, like her rubber bands, old clips, etc., felt almost like we were losing her all over again.
I started missing her even more now and started suddenly feeling a bit possessive over her things. Is it fear that I may forget those memories that these things rake in me? May be?
Since, I have been away during the last 14 years of mom's life and spent time only in bits and pieces during those short trips to India, I feel most of my strongest memories of her are from the time before that and so I tend to look for things like things I brought for her or the stuff she gifted us in the last few years to remind me of the times I spent with her recently. I think that's perhaps the reason why I fear losing those memories when the 'stuff' that rakes so many of them is taken away. Do I really need this "stuff" to remind me of my mother? I hope not. I know my mother, my dearest mommy is locked up in a special place in my system and she will, forever be a part of me and part of everything I do and do not do.
Love you so much mommy and miss you even more, we 'settled' your stuff, but that doesn't mean we are settled without you...we are still just learning to live without you and what really gets us going is this belief that you are watching over us from wherever you are.
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