My relationship with God

To be honest, my relationship with God is still relatively un-defined and flaky. Going by the textbook definitions of the terms, the best I can describe myself is that I am perhaps in a very early stage in the spiritual path and still ways away from being termed 'Religious'.

Spirituality can refer to an ultimate or an alleged immaterial reality;[1] an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of his/her being; or the “deepest values and meanings by which people live.

Religion is a collection of cultural systems, belief systems, and worldviews that establishes symbols that relate humanity to spirituality and moral values.

Being born in a Hindu family, I was exposed to a fair amount of religious practices and scriptures. I remember asking questions like 'Why do we have so many Gods?, Who is the strongest of them all, etc etc.,' and used to have my share of favorite Gods and favorite festivals. That's about it and I never really took the time to establish my beliefs or lack thereof and pretty much just went with the flow. But, throughout something that Mom and Dad said struck a chord with me which was 'Hard work will never go wasted, God takes care of those who help themselves'. I took this piece of advice very seriously and from time to time when I saw Daddy's work issues or Mommy's health issues, I started wondering 'So, why is God not taking care of them now?, they are working hard, taking care of themselves... then, why is this God not doing good to them?' Whenever such questions cropped up, I heard answers like 'Whatever happens is for our own Good only' or 'God knows when to give you what', etc.,.. So, with these and other such adages like this that are routinely used in any typical Indian Hindu household, I got away with just brushing these questions away without digging deep or questing further to build my beliefs or foundation. I perhaps, never needed to get these resolved since life was just going on...

Another thing that I noticed and perhaps emulated myself is how one remembers God mostly during festivals or difficult times.. I also wrote in my earlier blog about 'Why I pray' and confessed there that like many others I too used to think or turn towards God mostly during those trying times. That said, thanks to the upbringing and the constant exposure to various hindu religious books, etc I felt I had the necessary foundation from all those scriptures (myths or realities) and from watching people around me to be able to choose between right vs. wrong.  I was able to get away with this extent of religion and belief for many years

Once I had kids of my own, I started thinking about what part of religion should I teach them and what the purpose should be. I felt and still do that, irrespective of whichever religion, it is quite important for kids to have a foundation of some religion, more to instill discipline and provide them with a moral guidebook.

As years passed by and as I was experiencing life's ups and downs, I somehow drew strength by finding some logical reason for the incidents. But, witnessing the passing of my mother was somewhat of a life changing experience. While it is impossible to describe the pain of the loss we experienced, what it made me do, is question the very essence of life and I started wondering what it is we could do to make the seemingly inevitable death less painful. Like before, I tried to find solace by logically explaining it to myself that Mom's heart was too weak and having seen the pain she was in, I felt she was in a much better place after passing away. I tried to explain this to my then almost 7 year old son and he asked 'Mom, But didn't God also have the choice to make her better?' I didn't know how to logically explain this and that's when  I also started wondering if it was indeed God who plays through the various life screenplays or if there is any part we indeed have or don't have in this life.

Now, I still keep questioning... 'Who am I? What is the soul? How am I different from my soul? What did I do to deserve what I have or don't have? What part does God or Fate or some other superior (or external) force play in my life, do I really control my destiny, are the choices I make really mine or is it something else that makes me choose those?
Asking these questions and trying to find answers seems like a life long journey and I think I am still close to the starting point only..until then there  continues to be turbulence in my heart and restlessness in my head. So, as I said before my relationship with God still remains undefined and perhaps, I need to build a relationship with my true self before I can understand God well-enough to build a relationship or not.